The Tipping Point
by couldbemoresonic
Summary: Tonks tries to make Remus see sense by talking after her outburst in the Hospital Wing. Or maybe there's no sense in it at all. Maybe they should disregard sense and act solely on what the soul wants. Set after the hospital wing scene in HBP.


The entrance hall to Hogwarts school was deserted, except for two figures, standing not far away from each other, talking in hushed conversation. Probably because she regretted her outburst a few minutes ago in the hospital wing of the school. Or maybe because he didn't want to be overheard.

Either way, the air was heavy with heart-break.

"So you would rather-" Nymphadora Tonks suddenly found it difficult to swallow, her strong and usually steady voice started wavering, "you would rather die than to let me in. You would rather live a life in the woods, than to be safe and warm, here, with me. To die alone and," Tonks was choking on her words again, her voice began to shake, with rage or with heartbreak, she wasn't sure, "be left in a ditch somewhere without admitting to yourself how you _feel_?" This past year had made the possibilities of death and separation so much tangible, and she had been coping – or failing to cope – with the idea that Remus Lupin would never be within arm's reach again. It took all of her willpower to not throw herself on him in complete desperation; but she had long term goals, and another outburst would surely send him running.

Remus opened his mouth to contest, but Tonks jabbed him in the chest with her wand, "You can't lie to me, Lupin. Don't tell me that you feel _nothing_ right now."

Remus, looking down at his feet, started to say quietly, "I won't lie, Dora." She shot him a look- that was a name he had lost privilege to use, and yet… it sounded so sweet on his lips. She resented the feeling in her stomach she got when he used it. "I feel so overwhelmed by the state of things," Tonks was ready to call him out for dodging the question, but he added, "Admitting to myself that having _this,"_ he gestured between them, "with you was something I… wanted, was selfish." She was closer to him than anyone had been since Sirius. And she knew in her heart that _wanted_ wasn't the word he originally planned on using. Maybe _needed_ or _craved_.

It sounded like he was trying to control himself. Remus spoke very slowly and chose his words carefully.

They had been very close for the better side of a year before he disappeared off the face of the planet. They had shared secrets, private smiles and soft touches. One night, she had quite literally fallen straight into his lap, which lead to a very interesting predicament involving the tightening of arms around torsos and gentle flirting. He had kissed her that night; at first very hesitantly, and then without regard. They remained very contented in that position for an hour before Remus came to his senses. But Tonks had never been happier.

At mandatory meetings, he would try to keep his distance and not let his eyes roam to a pink-haired witch. But Tonks was persistent. She knew in her heart that this was some noble bullshit, and she wasn't having any of it. They kissed on two more occasions- once in a feeble attempt to get him to see how much she cared, and once after he had publically accepted Dumbledore's mission to live with the werewolves.

 _Tonks had burst from the table during an Order meeting and followed him outside into an alley way where he was going to disapparate. She grabbed his cloak from behind and was surprised at how fast Remus had swung around and pressed himself to her desperately, clutching her to him like he was a drowning man and Nymphadora was the only thing keeping him above water. She had been so shocked that she didn't even move to hug him back. Before she could respond, he caressed her face in his hands, his eyes, she realized, were full of tears. Remus had pressed his lips to hers softly, and she melted at the softness of it. But by the time Tonks's eyes had fluttered open, the kiss had ended. Remus had gone._

Now, standing by the front entrance to the castle, Remus was far thinner and more scarred than he had been in that alley way. Tonks was glaring at him, waiting for him to look up, to meet her eyes, which were now glassy from tears. She didn't understand how a man who was so brave and so strong could be such a bloody idiot. Couldn't he see that she just wanted to take care of him? To give him the love and care that he needed? How long had he been transforming without his potion? How long had he been mending his own dirty wounds in caves and forests? Why-

"My selfishness didn't stop me, though," Remus continued, "It didn't stop be from thinking about you every day. And every night." Remus reached for her hand which was limp at her side. She knew he was thinking of those rare moments too. He was weighing his stupid noble self with the idea of being happy. When he looked at what she had become, tired, lonely, depressed- he wanted to fall at her knees and apologize, to beg her to let him care for her, no matter how undeserving he was. He ached for her touch again, as it had once been. Forgiving, without caution, tender. "And that's why I couldn't come back. I should have never…" He trailed off but Tonks knew what she was referring to. That alley way kiss had given her too much hope. He had acted on impulse, without thinking it through, and now he regretted it. He regretted the way he thought about her lips every night, how he longed to touch her, how he murmured her name in the Underground; just to see if it still sounded the same. He had let her momentarily glimpse the Tonks-Proof wall that he had spent months building to keep his heart in and hers out.

He was caressing her hand in both of his when she took it back from him.

Tonks looked confused. Hurt.

"Look at me." Tonks' voice was less shaky now. Remus did not shift his eyes from his feet. "Look at me, Remus!" Her voice echoed around the empty hall. She couldn't stop the flow of tears any more.

"I'm falling apart, you great prat! I can't…" she reached up to grab a lock of her mousy brown hair, "I can't change this! Any of this! I can't morph, I feel sick with worry constantly, I read every newspaper, I eavesdrop on conversations at work, and my nerves are killing me. I'm just waiting! Waiting to see if you've _died_!" He looked ashamed. She continued angrily, "Do you know how hard it is when you can't do your job properly because you're constantly worried about the man you bloody _love_ who could be _dead_? And there's _nothing_ I can do about it. This is what you've done to me! Don't tell me that I'll move on, Remus, because I won't! I will wait for you forever!"

She shoved her hands into her hair and turned her back to him. "It's killing me from the inside." Tonks barely got these words out through her tears. She hated being weak. It was not part of who she was. But Remus had changed that in her. He had made her into the blubbering mess. He had taken away her ability to morph. Her ability to think about anything other than his safety. She had one great big hole in her line of defense, and his name was Remus Lupin.

"It will pass. It will all pass. You don't love me, Dora. You can't love me."

She straightened up suddenly, and used the cuff of her sleeve to wipe noisily at her eyes and nose. Taking a deep breath, Tonks looked Remus in the eyes, opened her mouth to say something else, but then closed it. She turned back to him and squeezed her eyes shut; it had been harder and harder to concur up a good memory these days. Tonks lifted her wand and waved it. There in the corridor, sprang a large, silver, four legged creature.

He should not have been surprised. Harry had told him ages ago that her Patronus had changed. The wolf stepped more gracefully and elegantly than she had ever stepped in her life. It walked around the pair, and Remus decided he hadn't been surprised at all. He had just denied it, told himself it was something else – maybe that it had become Sirius after his death. And then he had chosen not to think about it. To pretend he had never heard it. To pretend he didn't ache for her; to hold her, to touch her. But he could not deny it any more. He could not deny her. Could not ignore her. Couldn't even push her away. He was happy, happier than he had ever been. Not even when she had let slip that she fancied him. Happier than when they had kissed the first time. He could not deny her love to him when it was staring him in the face. Large and furry and elegant. But he was heart-broken too. He could no longer protect her by keeping away from her. He couldn't shut her out for her safety. He knew that her love would make quick work of his Tonks-Proof wall, now that he no longer had the will-power to keep it up. She would get in. And what would that mean for her? He would just be a target on her back.

The wolf circled them a fourth time. Tonks' eyes were still shut, evidently concentrating very hard on the memory. He watched, heartbroken, as more tears slipped through her closed eyelids.

 _Oh god_ , he thought, his heart sunk down to his stomach. He had been the reason for her pain for so long…

The floor was cold under Remus' knees. He didn't remember falling to the ground. "Dora, I-"

Nothing he could think of encompassed the depth of his remorse. This incredible woman had put up with his self-pitying crap for too long. For a devastating moment, it came to mind she would resent him after everything he put her through. But here she was. If one thing was to be said about this meeting, it would be that Remus could not tell her that this was a fling or that she would move on. And if he didn't want her still, well she… she would fight harder. There was no question that Remus would be the only one for her.

The silver wolf evaporated and Tonks opened her eyes to see Remus on the ground in the corridor, looking defeated.

He looked at the ground, ran his fingers through his hair, "I… I didn't… I'm…" He struggled for the words of apology, but settled instead on letting out the feelings that had been rattling like an oversized creature locked in a cage, "I can't live without you any more, Dora. Please, I have never- I don't know if I can stop myself any more, I need… I have no one else."

Tonks fell to her knees in front of him and wrapped his arms around his shaking frame, "Come home with me, Remus," she murmured, "come back."

Something inside of him was screaming no. He could not indulge like this. Remus threaded his long fingers through her mousey hair. The smell of her was intoxicating, and she was closer than she had been to him in months… Closer than anyone had been. But the things that he would subject her to just by being with her… the ridicule, the stigma… and his careful mantra of _too poor, too old, too dangerous_ was pushed from his mind by her hands on him, the smell of her hair and the warmth of her body.

War was on the horizon, and he could die at any time... They both could. They could have died tonight. He wanted this, he wanted to love her. He wanted to be loved by her.

He didn't want to think any more. He didn't want to fight.

"Marry me."

She pulled away from him, her eyes a light golden brown color, now. Tonks' big toothy smile stretched so wide on her cheeks that it almost hurt- a reminder of how long ago it had been that she had been truly this happy.


End file.
